Fantasy Rugby - Sportsman XV
This time around the topic for the Fantasy XV is Sportsmen, people who have clearly wasted their god given talents by not playing rugby. To keep things interesting only one player per sport has been allowed, and I’ve counted Rugby League as too similar, although given Andy Farrell’s success in an England shirt I’m not too sure any would have made it anyway. (Jason Robinson is a freak for God’s sake!).
Marius Pudzianowski - monster tighthead
1. Geoff Capes - (Shot Put). Although a former World’s Strongest Man, I’ve sneaked him in at loose-head as a former shot-putter. Prodigious strength although he may be a little heavy handed if given the ball.
2. Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor – (Darts). An easy choice for hooker. Incredible throwing accuracy would mean the jumpers could only look at themselves if the line-out wasn’t successful. Good bulk for the scrum but likely to struggle to get around the park. Sociably excellent.
3. Marius Pudzianowski – (Strongman). World’s Strongest man on four occasions. Personal bests for weightlifting would make even Andrew Sheridan raise an eyebrow as they packed down for battle. An obvious choice for tight-head: Bench press - 628 pounds (285 kg); Squat - 826 pounds (375 kg); Deadlift - 925 pounds (420 kg).
4. Ian Thorpe – (Swimming). Massive hands make him a good target in the line-out. Obviously very comfortable on rainy days and wet pitches.
5. Michael Jordan – (Basketball). Quite simply would have been a colossus if he had been introduced to rugby, and not netball, at an early age. Could possibly have pioneered the no lifters required line-out and dominated re-starts. However, I believe cross-field kicks would have taken on a whole new dimension with Mr. Jordan on the receiving end.
6. Sir Steve Redgrave – (Rowing). The greatest Olympian of all time slots in nicely at blind-side flanker. His supreme fitness lending itself to the graft of this position and his height making him a useful extra option at the line-out.
7. Royce Gracie – (U.F.C./Jiu-Jitsu). Winner of the first four Ultimate Fighting Championships despite only being 6ft and 12 ½ stone. Royce’s technical excellence and grappling skills would make him an excellent open-side particularly in the dark worlds of rucking and mauling.
8. Andrew Flintoff – (Cricket) (c). Big man with great hands, ideal for No. 8. Tactical nous required for cricket captaincy should help him command the side but outstanding drinking credentials (see 2005 Ashes celebrations) would help foster good team spirit as well.
9. Frankie Dettori – (Horse Racing). Good scrum halves are little men with big personalities and Frankie fits the bill perfectly. Used to bossing around dumb animals, this is another pre-requisite for a man behind the pack. Jockeys are tough little b*ggers too.
10. Pele – (Football). I was slightly loathed to include a footballer, but the greatest soccer player of all time comes from an age where football was a more decent game. Obviously would favour a kicking game but could alternate with Federer to ensure good variety in the back-line tactics.
11. Chris Hoy – (Cycling). The Olympic Gold medallist over 1km, Hoy has massive explosive power. Thighs like tree trunks would make him a nightmare to tackle and it is easy to imagine him coming off his wing to cause some havoc.
12. Roger Federer – (Tennis). Superb hands and with plenty of deft touches Federer has the potential to light up a back-line. Defensively may be a bit lacking but loves grass surfaces.
13. Muhammed Ali – (Boxing). In positional terms, a contentious choice to include Ali at outside centre, but I believe his speed as well as size would make him pretty handy in the midfield. Should also be able to offer the opposition backs some choice comments during set pieces.
14. Michael Johnson – (200m/400m runner). I know there a more obvious candidates from 100m but they are, in the main, arrogant d*cks. And I also know his leaned back style is all wrong in terms of body positions for rugby but I just have a glorious image of Johnson gliding down the wing, ball tucked under one arm that I can’t get out of my head. He’s not exactly slow either.
15. Terrell Owens – (American Football). Although a Wide Receiver in Gridiron, Owens’ skills at plucking the ball out of the sky lend itself more to full-back in Rugby Union. Also, given his power, employing him as a strike runner through the midfield would also play to his strengths. Probably not got a great kicking game but with the talent in this team that’s nothing to worry about.
A strong team in my eyes although I can see potential weaknesses in terms of 10-12 defence and ballast in the second-row (although to my mind the front-row more than covers this). Any suggested improvements?
By Kemlo Longstaff
Fantasy Rugby - Countries XV
Diplomacy has been put aside by Alex Cook for this XV. Packs don’t come much mightier than this, although finding a suitable language for line-out calls may prove difficult. Perhaps not the most politically correct XV but where’s the harm in a bit of stereotyping?
Countries XV
1. Russia - big, mean & cold
2. Holland - low centre of gravity & a hotbed of talented hookers
3. USA - super-sized, imposing powerhouse with a short fuse
4. Tibet - a dominant force in the lineout, composure and temperament to balance out 2nd row partner
5. North Korea - big guns & won’t take any shit
6. Kenya - wild & will run all day
7. Australia - a thieving nation by origin & will do anything to win
8. Brazil - large but skillful, good footwork
9. Germany - organised & efficient service, but don’t expect a smile
10. Cuba - the general, Latino flair and a master at deceiving and avoiding much larger opposition
11. France - adds a certain I don’t know what
12. China - ambitious, growing in strength with potential to conquer all before him
13. England - organised in defense, and good foil out wide for a powerful pack
14. Greece - a slippery customer
15. Afghanistan - resilient under attack & stealthy penetration behind the opposition line
Interesting that Wales and New Zealand both don’t make the cut…as ever, suggestions are welcome.
Fantasy Rugby - Women’s XV
A formidable back row
Following one or two questionable decisions in Brian Ashton’s England squad yesterday, here are some real issues to thrash out. Kemlo Longstaff and Mike Wallace have put together this bevy of belles and rather worryingly, I think I’d rather have Kelly Holmes over Iain Balshaw as the last line of defence.
With 50% of the world’s population to choose from, the Women’s XV has a large squad. Generally not the most attractive bunch but then I guess that’s not the point.
Women’s XV
1. Fern Britton - Our very own Jason Leonard a.k.a. the big fun bus.
2. Jenna Jameson - Only a porn star will tolerate being called a hooker without running off crying. Unlikely to throw straight at a line out, obviously…
3. Ann Widdecombe - Front row enforcer. There to bully the opposition.
4. Jodie Kidd - Should dominate the lineout. Has a bit more grit to her than the average supermodel.
5. News Night’s Kirsty Wark - Liable to punch holes through any defence.
6. Charlie Dimmock - Unafraid to get her hands dirty, and toil on the floor. Sports bra would need to be provided to prevent serious injuries.
7. Dame Ellen MacArthur (cpt, obviously) – She’ll chase relentlessly around the pitch all day long. Emotional leader.
8. Margaret Thatcher - This No 8 is not for turning. Always up for playing the Pumas.
9. Lily Savage - Purely for chatting down the oppo…dubious whether she meets the selection criteria though, I admit.
10. Queen Elizabeth 1st - Vital in battle, great organiser. Proud to play for her country.
11. Marion Jones - If we allow dirty, rotten cheats in the team, she’s the girl for the wing.
12. Mary Magdelene - Elusive. Has God on her side.
13. Her Majesty, The Queen - Elegant, stylish running lines. Impossible to put down.
14. The Next model (name unknown) – With legs that long she must be rapid…question marks over her defence though.
15. Kelly Holmes - To chase down breakaway runners and nab them before they reach the line.
Surely a lot to debate in this selection!
Fantasy Rugby - Bearded XV
Thanks for the response to the cartoon characters, some strong competition in that squad. I forgot to mention that efforts were made not to include more than one character from each cartoon, hence why there was only one Thundercat.
Onto a more seasonal theme this time – the Bearded XV – a very strong outfit, and one that will no doubt spark some more debate.
Bearded XV
1. David Bellamy – Comfortable in the dark and animalistic underworld of the Front Row.
2. Brian Blessed – Booming voice would ensure line-out calls were never missed. Ferocious competitor with cracking chat in the bar afterwards.
3. S. Claus – That’s right, Santa puts the Christmas cheer away and knuckles down at tight-head. Would have to discover a nasty streak not seen before but a steady diet of mince pies and sherry should give him the necessary ballast.
4. W.G. Grace – As a cricketer should have a safe pair of hands at the line-out.
5. Ned Kelly – Every team needs a lock who is not afraid to push the rules a little and Ned more than fulfils this role. Tough and nasty, Ned brings the ‘dog’ to the pack that commentators always bang on about.
6. Osama Bin Laden – Organised and deadly. Has been likened to Richard Hill at his peak in his ability to go unnoticed through a game.
7. Russell Crowe (as Maximus Decimus Meridius) – Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, The Gladiator brings a lot of intensity to the open-side. Not much fun though.
8. King Leonidas (300 guy) – Superb physical specimen with an incredible backs-to-the-walls attitude. Completes a formidable back-row. Takes his knocks well.
9. Jesus Christ – Mercurial talent although sometimes a bit soft on the opposition. Part of a solid Father/Son half-back combination.
10. God (c) – Literally nothing he can’t do. Has the unfair advantage of being able to control the conditions as well.
11. Merlin – Part of a magical back three
12. & 13. Z.Z. Top – I didn’t have the heart to split them up. Enjoy a good singing session after the game. Comedy value simply for the way they look.
14. Gandalf – Would be hampered by the banning of large sticks in the field of play still a valued member of the team.
15. Albus Dumbledore – Prodigious skill and knowledge. Never intimidated by the opposition and a good tutor for the younger players in the squad.
Charles Darwin was a strong shout for 8 but there were concerns about team spirit with him alongside Jesus and God. The Holy Spirit was also a contender to complete the Holy Trio in the backline (at 13), but I thought that might be taking things a bit far.
By Kemlo Longstaff
Fantasy Sevens team - have your say…
Following the Cartoon XV published on Wednesday, Jon Hobbs has created his fantasy sevens team below. With so few places up for grabs, there is bound to be some debate.
1. Richie McCaw – Excellent turnover ability and link play, never misses a tackle, adequate pace.
2. Tom Rees – All of the above but more pace.
3. Luke McAlister – Always good to have a back in the forwards in sevens to add to the creativity on the pitch. Excellent running lines + stepping.
4. William Ryder – The best sevens player that has ever existed.
5. Brian O’Driscoll – Might not have the electric pace anymore but just needs to step through a gap and release the outside backs, also a tireless defender and an eye for flair.
6. Bryan Habana – Get the ball to him and watch him go.
7. Sitiveni Sivivatu (or a fit Rupeni Caucau) – Pace and finishing ability.
Subs:
Juan Smith – very quick, always in support, loves scoring tries
James Simpson-Daniel – a natural 10 with the pace of a winger, would dominate a sevens team
Matt Giteau – playmaker in case Ryder has to come off, decent pace
Have your say using the comment form below - is there anyone else who should be considered for this team?
Fantasy Rugby - Cartoon Characters XV
Kemlo Longstaff begins a new series of fantasy rugby teams likely to be the subject of much debate. Have your say by leaving a comment at the bottom.
Whilst not a new concept, I fully embraced Fantasy XVs whilst on a stag do this summer touring round Europe. They helped to pass hangovers and were the subject of much animated discussion and full-blown arguments.
Honourable mentions must go to Joe Clapson (particularly on this XV) and Neil Chivers, but anyone who was on the Big Yellow Bus made a contribution of sorts.
This one was a popular choice and was one of the stronger XVs created. That said I think improvements can be made, particularly at 5 and possibly 15. Suggestions are more than welcome!
Cartoon Characters XV
1. Nanny (Count Duckula) – Not the most intelligent but powerful. Good West Country accent and a solid Cider drinker in the bar afterwards.
2. Donkey (Shrek) – More banter than Mark Regan and a good strike in the scrum.
3. Mr. Tickle – Just edges out the obvious candidate Mr. Strong. Long arms would have the opposition loose-head in all sorts of trouble with tight binds.
4. Inspector Gadget – A modern day versatile second row, the go-gadget arms and legs would be useful come line-out time. Would need Penny on the touch-line to oversee his game, however.
5. Denver (the last dinosaur) - Heavyweight, adding ballast to the pack.
6. Desperate Dan – Option as an extra line-out jumper and a physical presence at blind-side.
7. Taz (the Tasmanian Devil) – Mental, with an incredible and tireless work-rate around the field. An animal come the drinking games in the bar afterwards.
8. He-Man - You know it (CAPTAIN)
9. Popeye – Diminutive but strong in a Byron Kelleher way (providing spinach is provided pre-game), Not afraid to mix it up.
10. Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) - Brains and an athlete, and no need for body armour
11. Roadrunner – Outrageous gas and a talent for winding up opposition wingers, particularly if they go by the name of Wile E. Coyote. Not the best handling skills though.
12. Lion-o (Thundercats) - Vision, speed and a fearless leader, forms a powerful centre partnership with Bravestarr.
13. Marshall Bravestarr – Lets just look at his basic skills: a) Eyes of the Hawk – All seeing approach to the game b) Ears of the Wolf – Could pick out all opposition calls and team-talks c) Strength of the Bear – Amazing in contact d) Speed of the Puma – Useful on an outside break. The thought of Bravestarr running a switch off Lion-o is mouth-watering.
14. Speedy Gonzales – Gives up a lot of kilos but a deadly finisher.
15. Tigger – Risky, but exuberant choice for full-back. Has a deadly, springing step akin to the Fijian winger Vilimoni Delasu.
HeMan - big guns and captain of the Cartoon XV
Animal XV - could they beat the All Blacks?
1. Walrus
2. Silverback Gorilla
3. Grizzly Bear
4. Giraffe
5. Elephant
6. Polar Bear (c)
7. Hyena
8. Lion
9. Tazmanian Devil
10. Chimpanzee
11. Cheetah
12. Dolphin
13. Tiger
14. Gazelle
15. Racehorse
The All Blacks are overwhelming favourites for this year’s Rugby World Cup, and it will take something quite extraordinary to defeat them in the competition. With that in mind, I’ve been pondering over selection for the ultimate ‘Animal XV’ that might be able to give the All Blacks a good game.
At the cornerstone of the pack, I would choose the Walrus. Comfortable in wet or dry conditions, the walrus would bring experience and guile to the front row rather like Jason Leonard, the world’s most capped forward. While a lack of mobility and not the silkiest of hands lets him down slightly, his strength and power will more than make up for it.
On the other side of the scrum is the Grizzly, with its fearsome strength and relentless workrate in the loose, whilst at hooker, the Silverback Gorilla gets the nod, combining sheer size and strength with surprising dexterity.
In the engine room, the giraffe is a shoo-in, and the elephant will dovetail nicely, offering as much force as the giraffe’s height.
Competition in the back row is strong, but the Polar Bear is preferred at blindside flanker and will captain the side - he will be a rock in defence and offer Schalk Burger-esque aggression, whilst being a respected captain in the ‘lead-by-example’ mould of Martin Johnson. At openside, a ruthless scavenger is required - a player that lives on the edge of the law, and the Hyena fits the bill perfectly. The King of all animals starts at Number 8. The Lion will bring leadership to the pack, as well as strength and speed off the mark from the base of the scrum.
This formidable forward pack ticks all the boxes in strength, mobility, experience and determination and will undoubtedly provide a strong platform to release some exciting backs.
The half-back partnership is crucial to the team’s performance. At scrum-half needs to be strong, yet compact, with a feisty streak bordering on the irritating - the Tazmanian Devil fills this role comfortably.
At fly-half, the chimpanzee - the world’s most intelligent animal - will control the game. Supported by a full-back that will take on the kicking duties, the Chimpanzee will be the primary decision-maker with excellent distribution to provide the wide players with quality possession.
In the centres, there is again fierce competition, but the dolphin is selected at 12 with a proven track record of ball-carrying and renowned intelligence able to relieve the fly-half of pressure when required. The Tiger will then marshall the outside centre channel, ferocious and quick in attack, yet strong in defence.
The primary criterion for back-three players is out-and-out pace, hence the appearance of the Cheetah and Gazelle on the wings - indisputable speed. At full-back, the race horse combines speed with strength - important for the last line of defence - whilst offering the quiet confidence required for an exciting counter-attacking threat and undoubtable kicking prowess.
Power and pace, dexterity and determination - this is a formidable team. Are there any other animals worthy of consideration for a place in this team?
By James Hutchison
The Polar Bear - blindside flanker and captain of the Animal XV
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