Today’s Advent Calendar treat is The Rugby Blog’s 2009 World XV, which has been a few weeks in the making, and there have been some very difficult decisions to be made.
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The discussion around Matt Banahan and the suggestion of turning him into a second row got me thinking about players that could play in other positions – so here is the Out of Position XV.
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We at The Rugby Blog love a good stat. Well I do anyway. So imagine how beside myself I was when a friend emailed to say he had stumbled across a list of the players with 90 or more caps and was speculating as to whether you could make a proper 15 out of the 22 names. So that was an hour of an otherwise pretty dull day’s work taken care of.
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Rob Watson has put together the all-time worst nightmare XV for the rugby commentator. Just imagine if they threw the ball around like the All Blacks at their best.
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Dracula: fearsome skipper of the Halloween XV

The fantasy XV is back and this side is more vile, more gruesome, more gnarly than the scariest, cabbage-eared rugby player you have ever laid eyes on.

In a particularly objective selection meeting, several players had drawbacks noted beside their names, and as always there is scope for debate.

1. Yeti – combines the hairy nature of the front row with the height and power needed for the modern day loose-head.
2. Cyclops – has one eye on the ball at all times during the set-piece – and all those years living in a cave has prepared him for the dark recesses of the front row.
3. The Blob – obvious choice for such a monstrous front row combination. Shorter and stockier than the loose-head, The Blob also has the advantage of being able to absorb any big engages and turn them to his benefit. Drawback: not good at getting around the park. Poor hands.
4. Zombie – tall, strong, slow and somewhat simple, Zombie is the atypical second row, but he will literally rip you limb from limb in contact.
5. The Mummy – obvious candidate for number 2 jumper in the lineout with extra height and long arms. Fringe benefits also include a never-ending supply of tape and strapping for the team.
6. The Boogey man – the Richard Hill of the team. Doesn’t show up on the radar much, but strikes fear into the heart of any man when he pops up at the breakdown unannounced. Extra stealthy option in the lineout.
7. Werewolf – scraps like a dog at the ruck and is always aggressive into contact. Drawback: dubious discipline and availability – sometimes bitey and only available once in a blue moon.
8. Frankenstein’s Monster – a unit at the back of the scrum with a no nonsense attitude and the ability to take knocks. Drawback: prone to being struck by lightning.
9. Ghost – elusive and nippy around the breakdown. Slips through tackles easily.
10. Dracula (c) – Very experienced performer with the added bonus of magic powers – an advantage at 10. Drawback: can often go AWOL in the game due to an inability to control his aggression and blood lust. Specialist gum shield required. Not good with midday kick-offs.
11. The Headless Horseman – his speed down the wing is facilitated by his eerie spectral horse. Drawback: can be a liability if he loses his head.
12. Medusa – the snake-haired Gorgon gives extra options at 12. Her steely glare can leave opponents turned to stone in defence. Continues the tradition of rubbish hairstyles amongst the backs.
13. Alien – his acid tongue and quick feet leave opponents in his wake. Resilient – will always get up when you least expect it.
14. Witch – fleet footed down the wing, especially with the aid of a flying broom. Makes a good post match brew.
15. The Banshee – unpredictable when joining the attacking line, but she’s very safe under the high ball and the ref will always hear her when she calls for the mark.

This time around the topic for the Fantasy XV is Sportsmen, people who have clearly wasted their god given talents by not playing rugby. To keep things interesting only one player per sport has been allowed, and I’ve counted Rugby League as too similar, although given Andy Farrell’s success in an England shirt I’m not too sure any would have made it anyway. (Jason Robinson is a freak for God’s sake!).

Marius Pudzianowski – monster tighthead

1. Geoff Capes – (Shot Put). Although a former World’s Strongest Man, I’ve sneaked him in at loose-head as a former shot-putter. Prodigious strength although he may be a little heavy handed if given the ball.
2. Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor – (Darts). An easy choice for hooker. Incredible throwing accuracy would mean the jumpers could only look at themselves if the line-out wasn’t successful. Good bulk for the scrum but likely to struggle to get around the park. Sociably excellent.
3. Marius Pudzianowski – (Strongman). World’s Strongest man on four occasions. Personal bests for weightlifting would make even Andrew Sheridan raise an eyebrow as they packed down for battle. An obvious choice for tight-head: Bench press – 628 pounds (285 kg); Squat – 826 pounds (375 kg); Deadlift – 925 pounds (420 kg).
4. Ian Thorpe – (Swimming). Massive hands make him a good target in the line-out. Obviously very comfortable on rainy days and wet pitches.
5. Michael Jordan – (Basketball). Quite simply would have been a colossus if he had been introduced to rugby, and not netball, at an early age. Could possibly have pioneered the no lifters required line-out and dominated re-starts. However, I believe cross-field kicks would have taken on a whole new dimension with Mr. Jordan on the receiving end.
6. Sir Steve Redgrave – (Rowing). The greatest Olympian of all time slots in nicely at blind-side flanker. His supreme fitness lending itself to the graft of this position and his height making him a useful extra option at the line-out.
7. Royce Gracie – (U.F.C./Jiu-Jitsu). Winner of the first four Ultimate Fighting Championships despite only being 6ft and 12 ½ stone. Royce’s technical excellence and grappling skills would make him an excellent open-side particularly in the dark worlds of rucking and mauling.
8. Andrew Flintoff – (Cricket) (c). Big man with great hands, ideal for No. 8. Tactical nous required for cricket captaincy should help him command the side but outstanding drinking credentials (see 2005 Ashes celebrations) would help foster good team spirit as well.
9. Frankie Dettori – (Horse Racing). Good scrum halves are little men with big personalities and Frankie fits the bill perfectly. Used to bossing around dumb animals, this is another pre-requisite for a man behind the pack. Jockeys are tough little b*ggers too.
10. Pele – (Football). I was slightly loathed to include a footballer, but the greatest soccer player of all time comes from an age where football was a more decent game. Obviously would favour a kicking game but could alternate with Federer to ensure good variety in the back-line tactics.
11. Chris Hoy – (Cycling). The Olympic Gold medallist over 1km, Hoy has massive explosive power. Thighs like tree trunks would make him a nightmare to tackle and it is easy to imagine him coming off his wing to cause some havoc.
12. Roger Federer – (Tennis). Superb hands and with plenty of deft touches Federer has the potential to light up a back-line. Defensively may be a bit lacking but loves grass surfaces.
13. Muhammed Ali – (Boxing). In positional terms, a contentious choice to include Ali at outside centre, but I believe his speed as well as size would make him pretty handy in the midfield. Should also be able to offer the opposition backs some choice comments during set pieces.
14. Michael Johnson – (200m/400m runner). I know there a more obvious candidates from 100m but they are, in the main, arrogant d*cks. And I also know his leaned back style is all wrong in terms of body positions for rugby but I just have a glorious image of Johnson gliding down the wing, ball tucked under one arm that I can’t get out of my head. He’s not exactly slow either.
15. Terrell Owens – (American Football). Although a Wide Receiver in Gridiron, Owens’ skills at plucking the ball out of the sky lend itself more to full-back in Rugby Union. Also, given his power, employing him as a strike runner through the midfield would also play to his strengths. Probably not got a great kicking game but with the talent in this team that’s nothing to worry about.

A strong team in my eyes although I can see potential weaknesses in terms of 10-12 defence and ballast in the second-row (although to my mind the front-row more than covers this). Any suggested improvements?

By Kemlo Longstaff

Diplomacy has been put aside by Alex Cook for this XV. Packs don’t come much mightier than this, although finding a suitable language for line-out calls may prove difficult. Perhaps not the most politically correct XV but where’s the harm in a bit of stereotyping?

Countries XV

1. Russia – big, mean & cold
2. Holland – low centre of gravity & a hotbed of talented hookers
3. USA – super-sized, imposing powerhouse with a short fuse
4. Tibet – a dominant force in the lineout, composure and temperament to balance out 2nd row partner
5. North Korea – big guns & won’t take any shit
6. Kenya – wild & will run all day
7. Australia – a thieving nation by origin & will do anything to win
8. Brazil – large but skillful, good footwork
9. Germany – organised & efficient service, but don’t expect a smile
10. Cuba – the general, Latino flair and a master at deceiving and avoiding much larger opposition
11. France – adds a certain I don’t know what
12. China – ambitious, growing in strength with potential to conquer all before him
13. England – organised in defense, and good foil out wide for a powerful pack
14. Greece – a slippery customer
15. Afghanistan – resilient under attack & stealthy penetration behind the opposition line

Interesting that Wales and New Zealand both don’t make the cut…as ever, suggestions are welcome.

A formidable back row

Following one or two questionable decisions in Brian Ashton’s England squad yesterday, here are some real issues to thrash out. Kemlo Longstaff and Mike Wallace have put together this bevy of belles and rather worryingly, I think I’d rather have Kelly Holmes over Iain Balshaw as the last line of defence.

With 50% of the world’s population to choose from, the Women’s XV has a large squad. Generally not the most attractive bunch but then I guess that’s not the point.

Women’s XV

1. Fern Britton – Our very own Jason Leonard a.k.a. the big fun bus.

2. Jenna Jameson – Only a porn star will tolerate being called a hooker without running off crying. Unlikely to throw straight at a line out, obviously…

3. Ann Widdecombe – Front row enforcer. There to bully the opposition.

4. Jodie Kidd – Should dominate the lineout. Has a bit more grit to her than the average supermodel.

5. News Night’s Kirsty Wark – Liable to punch holes through any defence.

6. Charlie Dimmock – Unafraid to get her hands dirty, and toil on the floor. Sports bra would need to be provided to prevent serious injuries.

7. Dame Ellen MacArthur (cpt, obviously) – She’ll chase relentlessly around the pitch all day long. Emotional leader.

8. Margaret Thatcher – This No 8 is not for turning. Always up for playing the Pumas.

9. Lily Savage – Purely for chatting down the oppo…dubious whether she meets the selection criteria though, I admit.

10. Queen Elizabeth 1st – Vital in battle, great organiser. Proud to play for her country.

11. Marion Jones – If we allow dirty, rotten cheats in the team, she’s the girl for the wing.

12. Mary Magdelene – Elusive. Has God on her side.

13. Her Majesty, The Queen – Elegant, stylish running lines. Impossible to put down.

14. The Next model (name unknown) – With legs that long she must be rapid…question marks over her defence though.

15. Kelly Holmes – To chase down breakaway runners and nab them before they reach the line.

Surely a lot to debate in this selection!