The Buffalo edges out the giraffe in the second row for good reason
The recent trip to Africa got me thinking about the Animal XV, and so three years on from the original, we thought we’d revisit selection.
Plenty of thought went into to that team with several knowledgeable people consulted for their opinions, and a quick glance down the teamsheet tells you that it’s a great side.
However, with the passage of time, the evolution of the game and some new research, we can make a few tweaks to the lineup – so here is our Animal XV 2010.
1. Rhino
Narrowly missed out originally, but widely tipped as the ideal front row option. Obvious strengths in the scrum, but with a surprising turn of speed when required. The rhino’s rarity will also prevent opposition analysts from performing much research, but rugby is a team game and so this animal must learn to mix with the others.
2. Silverback Gorilla
Retains the number 2 shirt, and should benefit further from the Rhino’s immovability at tighthead. Long arms will bind that front row together and sheer strength will ensure that it never takes a step backwards.
3. Bull
The bull edges in front of the Grizzly Bear in the latest selection, after new evidence came to light in Pamplona, where our scouts were able to testify as to the speed of this animal. Undoubted strength and a real asset in the tight and the loose.
4. Buffalo
Seeing the giraffe in action was what prompted the revision of this team. On paper the ideal candidate, but in reality, awkward, gangly and timid and takes 10 minutes just to stand up – not what you need at half time. The Buffalo on the other hand is surprisingly large and will bring more bulk and power to the second row.
5. Elephant
Retains the number 5 shirt, but there are one or two areas of its game to develop. A more aggressive edge would help, and needs to work on speed off the mark.
6. Polar Bear (c)
The most aggressive bear remains our trusted captain. There is no evidence of a decline in the ‘lead-by-example’ style of captaincy, and there is yet to be an opponent that has faced the polar bear and come out on top.
7. Shark
On the suggestion of various scouts, the shark has pipped the Hyena in the latest side. Fast and dangerous and will be a constant threat to anyone nearby, whilst the Hyena offers a great bench option to make an impact against tired opposition.
8. Lion
The talismanic Number 8 remains as part of the spine of this team, and has been working on back row moves where he switches places with the Polar Bear in some attacking situations to put the fear of God into the opposition scrum-half.
9. Tazmanian Devil
Despite the rabbit and various apes snapping at the Devil’s heels, our Tazmanian friend retains the number 9 slot. Pace, quality of distribution and that arrogant edge will keep the opponents honest.
10. Chimpanzee
A crucial position and a tricky role to fill, but we’ve kept faith with the Chimp. Other options included the dolphin (poor hands) and the sheepdog (takes orders rather than gives them), but the Chimp has the intelligence and the skills to boss the game.
11. Cheetah
You can’t drop the fastest animal, but needs to work on sprint endurance – 60 seconds of sprinting requires a few hours’ rest, and that simply doesn’t cut it at this level.
12. Dolphin
Despite question marks over the dolphin’s passing ability, we’re looking for a ball-carrying 12 and with so much Jonny Wilkinson-esque practice in that department, the dolphin stays and with some work on the offload, it could fix a couple of defenders and put the Tiger in space.
13. Tiger
Another of the trusted backline to maintain its position, and for good reason. Fast and deadly, and with the intelligence to avoid contact where necessary.
14. Greyhound
The greyhound usurps the gazelle on the wing, which seems to be too skittish and timid to be a real force on the wing. The greyhound has sheer pace and a will to win that ought to stand it in good stead.
15. Racehorse
The Kangaroo was tipped for full-back and would provide another kicking option, but the racehorse is maintained for its speed, strength and more elusive running lines.
There remains some room for improvement, and work must continue on encouraging teamwork and cooperation, drumming the selfish behaviour out of players such as the Tazmanian Devil and the Rhino.
Any suggestions are welcome as always.
drop the Cheetah reasons: 1. name like that every ref will ping him before he gets to the try line, 2. endurance isn’t good enough, 3. not the fastest animal.
replace him with the truly fast animal Peregrine Falcon, he can reach 320 km/h (200 mph) in a swoop in fact A study testing the flight physics of an “ideal falcon” found a theoretical speed limit at 400 km/h (250 mph) for low altitude flight and 625 km/h (390 mph) for high altitude flight, is small (body length of 34 to 58 centimetres (13–23 in) and a wingspan of around 80 to 120 centimetres (31–47 in) so very difficult to tackle and can turn sharply.
Interesting. The falcon seems to be getting some support – would you drop the Cheetah over the Greyhound though? Or is the Falcon just a left-wing specialist?
Suspect the Falcon would be a poor tackler, would a Gazelle be better on the left wing, the way they turn when being chased would be a great advantage
Having been introduced to the Animal XV by Hutch over a beer last night & caught up with the history on the subject, I am concerned about the mixing of land, aquatic and avian team members. I think if God was keeping an eye on the Blog he would be disappointed that with so many spieces available for selection within each of these categories that we haven’t created a XV for each and scheduled some sort of round robin Tournament !
Taking this approach would probably see a deserved return of the Hyena to the Animal openside and re-open the perfect centre partnership debate. With unparalleled ball handling skills I am sure the Seal will make the Aquatic XV and could quite frankly justify any role in the 3/4 line up.
Look forward to reading the next iteration of ideas & just thought … what about reptiles ?
That’s a bison, not a buffalo. That’s dumb Americans for you; they haven’t a clue about rugby players.
Two words – Honey Badger
This guy can play where he likes as there is no way I am going to argue with him. I submit this following link to back up this claim.
http://www.badassoftheweek.com/honeybadger.html
This has made my Friday.
Manager- Dolphin
Backs Coach- Owl
Forwards Coach- Pig
1. Bison- Tank in the front row, does get quick aggressive sometimes. Mean ball carrier.
2. Rhino- Great horn for some dirty work in the scrum, great off loader and tackler.
3. Elephant- Big, heavy and cant run. sounds like the perfect prop. more aggression
4. Buffalo- Good turn of pace, unshaven and takes no shit from the opposition.
5. Brown Bear- second most aggressive bear, very strong and tall.
6. Polar Bear- can tackle anything that moves, gets around the pitch and steals ball.
7. Hyena- attacks the 10 and everything else, nicks ball and is a dirty old player.
8. Gorilla-great of the scrum, strong hand off, surprisingly quick and wise head.
9. Howler Monkey- controls the pack and gives great ball to the backs, goes blind also
10. Kangaroo- can drop kick from own 22. good deliveries to a quick back line.
11. Cheetah- just pure finishing pace, needs to qork on tackling.
12. Bull- short ball offloading god. can charge through any defense with ease.
13. Liger (c)- true cross between tiger and lion, but much much bigger. google it.
14. Racehorse- Big wing to balance out other one. can run over and around people.
15. Greyhound- good at counter attack and picking off forwards, poor kicking ability.
Controversial selection I know but what about a black mamba at hooker?
Cons:
No hands…in fact having “hands like feet” would be an improvement.
Pros:
At home in the grass.
Deadly quick when securing loose ball in the ruck.
Lethal when on defense.
Lastly…the opposition hooker is sure not gonna be happy at scrum time!
Come on chaps – does it take a Welshman to suggest Dusty Hare, David Lyons, (Pine) Martyn Williams, (House) Martin Johnson, Tony Swift, Glen and Mark Ella (Phant), Jason Leopard (sorry!), John Eales, Starling Mortlock, Grant Fox, Dan Carthorse, Flea Halfpenny, Martin Kestrelgiovanni…I could go on but am doing this on client time!
…sorry…missed off Steve Borthwick…